Thursday, 25 February 2010

A Female Run "Utopia"

Why has it become popular to sentimentalise the notion of a matriarchal society? To fantasise that a world governed by women would be somehow better? The idea goes, apparently, that disagreements would be worked through and calmly resolved, equality a reality and egomania a thing of the past (or possibly an endearingly harmless male foible). The world would be dreamy and lovely and sweet; all things bright and beautiful.

Sorry? So women don’t argue? Women aren’t competitive, hierarchical or egotistical by nature? Since when??

Obviously, it‘s codswallop - a defective answer to the defective status quo. We all know it would be equally, but differently, shit; still defunct but our focus would be at the other end of the spectrum. Our girlie governed globe would, for example, consider ‘It’ll End in Tears’ a world target - a big, cathartic Bennetton style cry. The Bawl to end all Bawls. If that doesn't make you shudder there's something wrong with you.

In our exemplary alternative reality, even an Hundred Years War would be celebrated for its swift resolution. If only we could always let an argument drop so quickly, we’d all say. Sure, there are some that still feel that we never got to the bottom of what at all means but hey, we were never going to believe they were telling the truth anyway - however many times we demanded an explanation. Good job they deployed the silent treatment, it always works in the end.

International politics? Over to the news:

“Day 3 of the World Summit for Sustainable Chocolate Supplies today, and talks rarely stayed on topic. Three hours in everyone knew how everyone else was and naturally sympathised. However, once the subject of an agreement on aid was finally raised, the phrase “Yeah, I know what you mean” was suddenly dropped. At least we think it was, it was hard to tell because everyone kept breaking off to chat to the person sitting next to them so it was hard to keep track.

"The US led the way and released their pledge to give a billion Hershey bars, which was met with an initial positive consensus because it was “a brilliant idea, that’s what I was thinking, we are SO alike.” However, France said that such a gesture may go unappreciated, that they have “given and given” in the past and they didn’t know if they could take the rejection a second time. Many other delegates identified with this, despite pep talks from Ireland and Japan who stated that you’ve just got to get back out there.

"Talks resumed after everyone decided to treat themselves to a few bottles of wine.

"We now go over to our correspondent Princessina Twinkletoes, who’s on the scene in Brussels, to tell us more. Princessina, that top really brings out the colour of your eyes. Wait.. Hold on, I need to top up my wine! Right, sorry sweetie. Tell me the gossip, I want to know EVERYTHING!”

"Thanks Babes. Well, a lot of painful memories for everyone today and it’s been quite emotional. But, unofficially, the main tension came, not from the failure to reach an agreement over how much funding should be allocated - after all, it’s only money isn’t it? - but from the fact that France caught the look on Britain’s face when she was talking about her problems. Italy and Germany went off to the loos with France because they’ve all been getting on really well lately after discovering they were all so similar, even planning a holiday together as they are definitely going to be best friends forever. Italy is said to have told France to “not worry about it, Britain’s a bitch.”

"Talks were also apparently further disrupted when John Mydaddylovesme, Australian representative and one of the few men present, is said to have rolled his eyes and said “Jeez give it a rest” after being asked for the tenth time what he really meant when he spoke at the Huggles For the World Convention four years ago. “Yeah, I heard about that too, apparently he couldn‘t even remember” said an anonymous source, “he‘s such a bastard.”

"However, there were a few lighter moments towards the end. “Well, we’ve put the world to rights,” laughed US President IamBeautifulNoMatterWhatTheySay (resplendent in a pink sparkly cowgirl hat), causing an outbreak of cackling. It may have been the wine."

I’d weep for the future - but then I am a girl.

Yes, ok, I’m being facetious. I’m not really suggesting that this is what women would do with the world any more than a male dominated world currently runs emergency porn or football summits. Women at their best can be a powerful combination of altruism, compassion and a steely resilience. But equally, given licence to do so, can be vain, self-indulgent and manipulative. I’m merely suggesting that the fight for top cat would always be as vicious as the one for top dog.

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