Tuesday, 24 August 2010

A middle-aged woman, a cat and a wheelie bin. Stuff's gonna happen

I empathise with the cat who got dumped in a bin.

That fleeting moment seems to perfectly illustrate the story of my life.

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

Arse-staring etiquette

Gentlemen - when staring at a woman's arse, what's polite? To try and go completely undetected, lest your ogling cause offense? If spotted aim for a bashful but cheeky grin and a shrug of the shoulders? How about idly cycling past her, tipping your head back to prolong the last few moments her arse is in view, swinging round to check out the rest of her while your eyes slowly climb the object of your interest until reaching her face, where you continue to scrutinise her appearance in a detached and mildly curious fashion until catching the incredulous look on her face, jump to with a small intake of breath and cycle off with a casual, "sorry"?

Is this the latest in propriety? Or should I, for argument's sake, nonchalantly push him off his bike should I see him again with a coquettish, pouty, "oops"?

Friday, 6 August 2010

Answering nature's call

I believe in the power of nominative determinism and it's all thanks to Samantha Fountain. Who else could have brought us the Shewee - the device designed to help ladies go for a wee wee standing up?

Isn't that unbelievably brilliant?? Apparently it's being considered by Cambridgeshire Police so that female officers can...
"stand up at public toilets and avoid unhygienic seats, or use a convenient container when a toilet is unavailable."
...but we all know that means pissing up a tree.

Part of the sales pitch says that it means no more "embarrassing bare bottoms" but given that it's talking about a scenario where one gets caught I'm not sure how much less embarrassing being seen weeing through a plastic tube might be. Only one way to find out I guess.

But it's not just a practical item, in case you were wondering what else you might do with it outside of long car journeys and when you're walking home drunk and forgot to go to the loo in the pub. We are also blessed with an opportunity to brag - man stylee. If I was going to get one, I'd definitely go for a Shewee Extreme. And then I'd swagger around the place shouting about the size of my "longer length outlet pipe".