Sunday, 19 September 2010

You know how to whistle don't you? Arf arf

When your hair is as crap and lacklustre as mine, one shampoo is the same as the next. But little did I know when I partook of a BOGOF deal for Herbal Essences that I was going to get an education too. In a cunning ploy to get you to buy the shampoo and conditioner they have put Herbal Head Games on the back of the bottles - read the question on one bottle, find out the answer on the other. Herbal Mind Fuck wasn't congruent with their brand I guess.

So, what did I learn today?

Shampoo asks: What is rated as the best unconscious way to attract the opposite sex?
Conditioner answers: Whistling

Keen as I am to attract members of the opposite sex, doing so while unconscious is a bit worrying. But what is NOT worrying, and is in fact rather exciting, is that this strikes me as being all a bit One Man and His Dog. If only I'd have worked this out before! A bit of whistling here, a 'come by' there and you can literally round up dozens of hapless victims lovers for your delectation. And maybe even win a rosette too.

As we all know, an independent mind and free spirit is a total no no in a partner so how can this approach fail?  Who wants to bother with chat up lines and little black dresses when you can turn heads with an authorative, commanding whistle? I imagine if you get into a relationship with someone you attract in this way you'd need to eventually spice things up by snapping your fingers at them occasionally but it's these little romantic gestures that make such a difference.

The trouble is, I don't really know how to whistle. I'm no expert when it comes to what men think but I imagine that going up to them and making blowing noises is not going to send out the right message. That would make me more of a Pantene kind of girl. 

Friday, 17 September 2010

I'm the sort of person who finds old people arguing in the street funny

While I was in town earlier I saw an old couple, and a I mean a genuine, in their eighties or more, old couple - bent over, shuffling along, pristine rain coats - break out into a massive row. Right there, in front of everyone and they didn't care who saw.

I laughed of course but I'm bloody well going to implicate my sister who encouraged me by laughing like Muttley watching a pigeon culling session. We share a cruelty gene.

Anyway, my point is, have you ever in your life seen anything like this before?! Because I hadn't. We're used to twinkly-eyed, loved-up stereotypes of oldies who have been together since the dawn of Last of the Summer Wine (or time, whichever came first) and still care. We like oohing and aahing over them as they hold hands and do nice things for one another. They're from another planet but hey, they show us that love can conquer warts and incontinence. We like them for that.

But alas, there is trouble in paradise and I have witnessed it. It turns out they're just like us. Please tell me I'm not the only one who suspects she got caught ogling some guy's arse?