Tuesday, 22 February 2011

Drinking Pill (patent pending)

You know that scene in Withnail and I where Richard E Grant gets pulled over by the police for being drunk and and slurs, "I ashure I'm not you offisher, I've only had a few ales"? That's me after half a pint/glass of wine. Not driving of course, I'm not a total degenerate. But suffice to say, me and booze do not mix - and it's embarrassing.

It's also incredibly difficult to know when one has had enough as it happens so instantaneously. Mid sip I'd warrant (if I had any recollection). Much as I'm amused by the idea of suddenly spitting a mouthful of wine across a room full of friends/family/civilised people and boldy announcing, "no more for me, that's my limit" I very much doubt I will ever be aware enough to do it.

Add to this the fact that I don't really like being drunk and it may even seem like I'm building up to an actual point. Which is this. I love being a bit tipsy whilst sat in front of a big glass of wine, waffling on and giggling like there's no tomorrow. Conversely, I hate waking up the next day and realising that there isn't really going to be one due to the fact that the only thing about me that can move with any kind of expedition is my paranoia-drenched, phone-call dreading brain. And I've got a suspicion that, despite my fun being considerably more short-lived than most people's, I'm not alone in hating the after effects.

But where can we turn for help, my fellow dipso dodgers? My ingenious drinking pill, that's where. I haven't actually invented it yet on account of having no scientific or medical skills, but it would operate like this:
  1. Start drinking
  2. Reach optimum level of tipsy congeniality and sexual allure
  3. Discreetly pop your Drinking Pill (choose from strawberry, banana, chocolate and Tennents Super)
  4. Carry on drinking!
  5. Hey presto, the affects of alcohol halt for 2-3 hours allowing you adequate time to sip elegantly, chat coherently, order a taxi successfully and comprehend the boundaries of good taste in polite company without incident
Surely it would be a winner wouldn't it? I mean, I'm not suggesting you use it as a substitute for common sense or kindly acknowledging your liver's existence once in a while*. It's merely to further one's enjoyment of one of life's little joys without fear of being arrested.

And please don't tell me it's not possible as I know for a fact that it is*. I've had l. casei immunitas. I know scientific versions of miracles exist.

*make jokes about drinking, sensibly
**if 'facts' means possibly maybe.

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